Experiment: Tim’s Girlfriend Asks Him Questions About Lost
(Hurley, some guy on Lost who looks like some goddamn magic polar bear)
Allie, my girlfriend, watches television. Lots of television. One recent obsession of hers is ABC’s hit show “Lost.” I’ve never seen Lost. In fact, most of my fragmentary knowledge about the show comes from her verbal accounts of episodes she’s seen, various forwarded Onion AV comment threads, short Youtube clips, and this one episode I saw where this car odometer is some special number or some b.s. Seems pretty wild. I hear that there’s some clairvoyant Scottish set designer character. Sweet!
It all seems pretty bewildering though. Granted, last show I saw with people marooned on a desert island was Gilligans Island. Which, from what I gather, is at least facially different than “Lost.” For one, there’s a plane crash.
In this (weekly?) feature of USBFB, Allie will ask me questions about the show. I will make poorly informed attempts at answering them only using the stuff I’ve seen before. No other aids will be allowed. Theoretically, this should be at least as valuable as what appears to be the wild groundless assertion making on the fan edited Lostpedia (Malkiel’s Monkey Dartboard Experiment for television, anyone?)
Why do the Oceanic 6 need to return to the island? What do you think they’re going to do there?
Durr. The answer to this question is so obvious it’s almost not worth asking.
They’re there to capture the magic polar bears. Who have superpowers. Ask yourself, have you seen fluffy white animals off the island? I know I haven’t. It’s clear to me that the universe of Lost is inhabited by a powerful race of polar bears. To make it easy for us to follow along, the writers have conveniently omitted animals that we might confuse with magical polar bears: non-magical polar bears, albino people, white tigers…
Guys, this is way more key than repeating numbers (which is a total red herring). There’s, like, some wheel or something in the season finale that was supposed to be operated by polar bears. When was the last time you saw someone go through the pain and expense of building teleportation technology specialized for polar bear use? Exactly, you get it now. They have genius-level intelligence.
Those time traveling bunnies? Also polar bears. You’ll notice that the Lost writing team is also pretty brilliant on this count — you never get to see the bunnies and the polar bears in the same room. Occam’s Razor, people. They’ve got shapeshifting skills.
And come on, then there’s the obvious fact that polar bears living on a tropical island is just plain crazy. It’s not like some big ol’ company is going to be able to razzle a super smart race of magical polar bears. They wanted to be there.
It’s clear that the Hanso Foundation or whatever has a big business stake in capturing them. I mean, come on: for a creepy Asiatic zaibatsu conglomerate, I swear teleporting, shape-shifting, freakishly-smart ursines would be huge in Japan. That’s pretty much true.
I even bet that Ben guy is probably a polar bear or something.
