The U.S. Bureau of Fabulous Bitches



Protecting American Interests At Home and Abroad



Tim R. Hwang, Commissioner

Responsible for the regulation and licensing of fabulous bitches and their security worldwide. Internet culture consultant, pop culture geek, and technology commentator. Also an expert on the "Land Before Time" series.

Founded ROFLCon a few months back. Currently working with Berkman's Internet and Democracy project and as a research assistant with Yochai Benkler. Previously worked as a BizDev intern for Creative Commons and on the staff of Jonathan Zittrain's "The Future of the Internet and How To Stop It."

Resume Available Here

e-mail: tim AT fabulousbitches.org

IRC: #clandestinemeeting @ freenode

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(photo courtesy Dave Fisher)
Thu Nov 13

Happy National Elevator And Escalator Safety Awareness Week!

Just a heads up that November 12 through November 18th is the thirteenth annual National Elevator and Escalator Safety Awareness Week according to the USBFB’s sources at the MBTA. FABULOUS.

Interestingly, this is, apparently, an effort led by the Elevator Escalator Safety Foundation, an actual non-profit 501(c)3 based out of Mobile. Highlights include their kid’s elevator education section (with mascot), and photos from their annual conferences featuring a “Gong Show” event with a terrifying guy wearing a Mr. T outfit.

Protips:

· Step on and off with care.
· Stand toward the middle of the step – away from the sides and face forward.
· Check the direction of the moving steps.
· Step on promptly.
· Hold children firmly.
· When exiting escalator, don’t hesitate. Step off promptly.

(source: MBTA)

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Tue Nov 11
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Mon Nov 10

Was sent to me awhile back, but realized that it behooved me to make this known to the world.

Oh Ad Council. Why are you so amazing?

Thanks G.Rose.

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Thu Nov 6

Why I Followed You Back On Twitter

Oh hey, guy, so I followed you back on Twitter.

Was recently catching GamerDNA’s finest Dave Fisher on his latest blog post “Why I Didn’t Follow You Back On Twitter.” It’s an exhaustive personal list of the many reasons why Dave chooses to not follow back, and I think I’m pretty safe in saying that it’s representative of Twitter users in general.

Painfully obvious point: although it’s only about two years old, Twitter has already evolved a sophisticated system of community norms and values. Like the unspoken rule of never tagging more pictures of yourself than other people tag of you on Facebook, it’s almost blithely uninformative to observe at this point that there’s all sorts of self-conscious norms that people apply to the all important ratio of followers to following (disclosure: @timhwang is currently running at the unacceptable rate of 1.46:1 — more below)

And, with Qwitter, Twitter Grader, and the whole host of meta-apps for Twitter you can set up now, you can really step up your personal pruning of the Twitter tree. People trim the people they are following back for everything: interestingness, looks, how clever people are, how popular they are, and etc. People have even started to do public annouces of Twitter unfollows, as a warning to the other followers who don’t want to have to deal with the IRL awkwardness of the situation. Best of all, you can even use Qwitter to retaliate against internet friends. Unfollow me will you? Well, TAKE THAT.

These practices lead to a broader question at work here: I know that ostensibly the idea of Twitter is for keeping up with friends. Twitter is supposed to look like this.

So why does Twitter so often resolve to something scary like this?

This is all very middle school. But, really, if you think about it these social problems emerge in how we’re thinking about the technology, as opposed to problems inherent in the technology itself.

I think it’s a language problem: partially because the concept of “follow” is so weighed down with meaning. We assume that it’s some appraisal of personal worth or value, i.e. “I’m a follower of Patrick Stewart.” But it isn’t, at its most basic level. To follow is really just to check someone out, to receive new information from a new place. It’s no different than choosing to walk by and look at something every day on the way to work. You don’t have to like or care or respect what you’re looking at. It’s just looking.

Generally, my policy is to follow back on every rando that swings by. All the time. No matter who you are. I hit up the autofill when I first joined Twitter and followed everyone. The only limitation is a policy of not following back spammers, because they only tweet about the same thing all the time. And hell, lord knows I even strongly considered following DogPlatesUSA because any commemerative dog themed decorative plate company hocking their wares via Twitter is radder than you or I will ever be.

Why? It’s because Twitter doesn’t have to be about guaranteeing a narrow dependable stream of friends and comments from People More Important Than You. There’s an equally valuable strategy to maximize conicindence, the odds that you’ll hear something you didn’t know about, casual undirected browsing, and the general joy of sitting around watching the world go by. By severely lowering the bar for following someone back, you increase the likelihood that you’ll just happen to run into something suprising or remarkable or in the very least amusing. They don’t need to follow you back, because you’re mostly just interested in seeing more of the world. Their loss if they don’t look back.

What I’m trying to say is that most people are always desperately trying to maximize signal-to-noise, which leads to all that neurotic follower/following back and forth. But really, what if we thought about the noise as signal instead?

The obvious response is: so why don’t you just view the entire Twitter universe in that case? A policy of always following back on follows tend to bring people into your Twitter stream that are tangentially related to you. Whether they were at the same party, a friend of a friend, or someone you met and then forgot about, growing a following pool organically like this tends to allow you to peer, not at the whole universe, but the universe of social connections just beyond your everyday perception. And this is badass. These streams tend to be about the same things, places, worlds you experience — which, beyond being more relevant to you, is also more likely to reveal new things about things you are interested in. The “whole universe” view doesn’t provide the same customized functionality.

This is a movement. I call it, Positive Twitter, which is based around gaining value from Twitter via being open, actively exploring and seeing more things. As opposed to Negative Twitter, which is mostly about creating value in Twitter through avoiding new connections, evaluating others, and restricting attention.

Won’t you join me, my fellow Americans?

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Wed Nov 5
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C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER
Thanks Kevin.

C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

Thanks Kevin.

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Tue Nov 4
From 1993, anticipating Joe the Plumber. This isn’t the first time the Onion has done something like this. And it is terrifying.

From 1993, anticipating Joe the Plumber. This isn’t the first time the Onion has done something like this. And it is terrifying.

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Feature: Tim Hwang Drinks The Entire Berkman Coffee Supply For You (Election Edition)

I am not kidding.

Since becoming a newly-minted full time employee of the Berkman Center for Internets and Society, I’ve become obsessed with the fascinatingly ungreen and terrifyingly advanced Keurig brand line of products that dispense coffee from those plastic containers that I can only assume are filled with magical pixie dust. Luckily, Berkman boasts a huge number of flavors, and I figured that it’s obvious for self-enrichment purposes to get around to tasting them all. The copy is reliably awesome, and the flavors virtually (?) indistinguishable. USBFB features our commentary, reviews, and incisive analysis every Tuesday until we’re exhausted. No coffee left behind. Previously: Espresso Blend, Hazelnut, Italian Roast, and Kona Blend.

This election season is out of control.

Despite the Bureau’s best efforts to control the situation, in the past two months, we’ve seen the election pride messily spill out and contaminate seemingly everything in this beautiful nation. Sarah Palin costumes ad nauseum, Joe the Plumber bobbleheads, Obama pumpkin carving galore, Election Themed Seven-Eleven coffee cups, and yes, dear lord, even a John McCain kippah.

And, just when it seemed that it couldn’t jump the shark(s) any harder, on this week of the USBFB Coffee Docket: MCCAIN BLEND and OBAMA BLEND.

I’m serious. This insanity has to stop, like today.

First: true to the Advanced design of the Keurig pods, there’s an interactive e-voting component to the election blend coffees. Following the URL that they provide on the box leads to you Coffee Politics, “Your Office Politics Destination” a slim-featured site where a terrifying Uncle Sam animation will creepily pivot its head from side to side and point depending on what coffee you choose to report that you drank that morning. Since they first started this campaign, it looks like over six hundred thousand pods have been dispensed, with Obama Blend beating out McCain by about 10,000 cups of coffee. This is, of course, of dubious polling value, but the message is clear: office work is really boring. Boring enough that you’d follow the lead of the instructions on your coffee box.

Also, in an subversive twist of political commentary, both the Obama Blend and McCain Blend appear to be just two different packaging schemes for precisely the same coffee. It’s unclear whether or not this is intentional on behalf of the Coffee People company to make their statistics on Coffee Politics more representative of a political preference or just a clever marketing ploy to sell the same batch of coffee product twice to unsuspecting consumers. I’m voting that its probably the latter — since my clever idea to have one, the other, and a mixed bi-partisan blend has just led to me having four cups of the same variety of coffee in the last hour or so. And now I am feeling a vein deep within my forehead pulsating kind of painfully.

But, my fellow Americans, the USBFB stops for nothing. So, from the top: the wine-tasting standards.

Have to say, despite my greatest skepticism, the flavor has some good body to it. The election blend is less of a dark roast than what we’ve tasted in the past, but it’s approachable. There’s bitter oak overtones, which resolves out to a vaguely nasty chocolatey burn. This second part is a little too much and seems like an accidental afterthought, like going to pat someone on the shoulder and missing, with your hand coming to rest awkwardly on the nape of their neck instead.

The aroma is great. Like a political acceptance speech, it’s not too overwhelming, with just the right touches of charm and a scent that promises bold new initiatives for the day ahead.

Appearance: the election blend is strangely, unusually brown. Not that coffee doesn’t usually have that color, mind you, but it’s just more brown. Way more brown. Don’t know how they achieved that one.

Like change we can believe in, the Election Blend sticks with you way longer than any coffee we’ve tasted to date. It’s bitter, but it’s not an altogether unpleasant finish. It’s warm, smoky and comforting. Like freedom. American freedom.

Rating: B+. Good enough for government work.

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Fri Oct 31

Best Attack Ads: Election Season Fall 2008 Edition

Political campaign attack ads are an awesome genre, and the 2008 Election is no exception in terms of wacky voiceovers, totally distorted claims, and bad editing work. The USBFB has been closely tracking the state of cheeseball campaign ads this season in the Senate and House races, and we’re proud to announce today our annual awards for the best TV spots of the season. Here’s our favorites:

The USBFB Award For Best Voice Over In An Attack Ad: “Do You Know Jim Martin?”

The USBFB Award For Most Outlandish Claims Made In An Attack Ad: “Who Is He?”

The Ed Wood Memorial Award For Worst Video Editing: “Golf”

The USBFB Award For Goofiest Animated Special Effect: “Hope”


The USBFB Award For Most Specific Voter Issue: “SPACE SCAM”

The USBFB Award For Best Soundtrack In An Attack Ad: “SPACE SCAM”

The USBFB Award For Most Forced “Regular Citizens Like You” Interviews: “Change”

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